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Disorder 4: Empty

A ballet dancer spins behind prison bars
Illustration by M. Reyes Fragueiro

The lyrics penned by Ethan Elliot poignantly capture the harrowing struggle of an individual battling an eating disorder. The verses delve into the internal turmoil and conflicting emotions that arise from the insidious allure of thinness and control. The artist reflects on the deceptive comfort derived from the disorder, contrasting the outward appearance of doing well with the inner turmoil and denial.

Throughout the lyrics, the protagonist grapples with a dark and destructive presence named Ana, who embodies the disorder's hold over them. Ultimately, the lyrics convey a message of triumph and empowerment as Ethan declares victory over Ana and reclaims his agency, emphasizing the journey to self-acceptance and liberation from the shackles of the disorder.


Inside, a hunger grows
Just closer to the prize
The pangs, no more a surprise

So dizzy cold and frail But,
it means I’m doing well

I am lying,
I’m lying to you

I’m doing well
my mind will tell
My body begs me to end this hell

To be thin
Fill this void within
This sense of con-trol is sin

Skinny, is all that I want to be
It’s become my one, true voice
This is not a choice
It’s an illusion of control that's screaming out
“You’re worth more hungry”, loud

Pretty, skinny, small
I’m supposed to stand tall
Can I be that strong
Trying to hold on

I swear on Ana’s words
On the reflection I see
I’ll fight until I’m free
From her binding tyranny

She has this voice that calls out my name
It pulls at me each day
And it tries to drive me insane

Hear me now
Ana listen
Because I won’t listen to you
No not any, anymore
I have won this war

Skinny, all I wanted to be
It became my one, true voice
This is not a choice
I had to fight and had to beat her and
I won this war and she is out